Vamp Bikers is a 2013 action horror film directed by Eric Spade Rivas, starring Dorsey Wright, Michael Musto, and Eric Spade Rivas. What happens when a bunch of Vampires move into an abandoned factory in a town run by Bikers somewhere in the future- Bikers come to Demand the New tenants evicted but something erupts and chaos takes over the town.

Vamp Bikers is the prime example of how no talented hacks can get produced to make a movie. Vamp Bikers essentially has no plot. The bulk of the movie is just a series of events and characters that happen to be there. When things happen there’s nothing connecting it nor subplots to actually support it. Trying to figure this movie’s plot is like trying to figure out if Hilary is wearing a face mask or not. There are just some things that just don’t look right, my friends. Anyway, there’s something about bikers who are vampires and gangsters who are vampires and that’s about it. Yeah, there’s a pair of detectives investigating the killings but it’s not really important. Especially when the movie decides when its lucid enough to remember that particular subplot. And what makes me want to shit myself is that it’s actually a good premise. (1 out of 5)

And if you thought that you were going to have memorable, well written characters, that train left the freaking station a long time ago. If there ever was a mention of any of the characters names, my ears my be stuffed with cottage cheese cause I don’t freaking remember a damn one. There’s this gangster father and his daughter…and outside of one conversation between the two there’s nothing really going on. There’s this vampire guy and he kills people. Of the entire cast, he’s probably the most stand out. But that’s not saying much if this ham is three months past its expiration date versus ham that’s three months and a day. There’s a blind vampire…that’s pretty much it. There are these two goofy ass detectives who are just cartoons if cartoons could smoke crack through their ass. There’s some vampire trying to take over. There’s a bench in the tenth level of hell for the guy who thought that this was acceptable. (1 out of 5)

And the acting is fucking horrible. I know that the writer has no talent, the director has no talent, but dammit there should’ve been something in terms of the performances. Nearly everyone delivers there lines like they’re reading it off cue cards. Some sound like they’re imitating southern pastors. There’s no talent, no direction, and no chemistry. The casting is piss poor. Maybe if there weren’t so many characters or if the writing was better but saying that this is acting is like saying roadkill is fucking barbecue. I’m just saying. (1 out of 5)

I was beyond disappointed with the quality of this film. And it isn’t because the movie looks like it was recorded with a camcorder (which it basically was). It’s because of the poor cinematography, the unnecessary closeup shots, the ridiculously bad editing. There’s barely a scene in this movie where there’s a single shot that last five seconds and if there is one they are unnecessary shots of characters looking at the camera, and doing nothing. If looking at the screen and doing nothing constitutes as acting, actors like Jaden Smith would win a fucking Oscar.

The editing is so bad “action” scenes, hell conversations in general, are just random events with some even appearing to not even being in the same scene. Some scenes will play the same clip over three or five times. Making it obvious they don’t have the content to make it a decent length movie. I can’t even give the movie credit for the setting. Despite the cityscape, there are no good shots to actually flesh the city out, so the city isn’t important in any compacity. There are no good shots of the locations (probably due to the budget) and instead of being creative we just get more unnecessary closeups and repeated clips. The lighting is piss poor so most of the time when things happen you can’t see it. (1 out of 5)

The music so so. It definitely added a better flavor to movie more than anything else. But the music wasn’t particularly good in execution. There are moments where the film could’ve been more subtle and the music is overbearing, particularly during the hip hop beats and the hard metal. Sometimes the music didn’t even fit the scene and felt like it dragged on and on like the carcass of antelope killed and carried away by a lion. Fuck nuance, just throw some music in there to spice it up. (1 out of 5)

I’m so pissed off at the director I don’t know what to think. First, I like premises that bring supernatural elements to the hood, don’t see it often enough. But nearly every aspect of this movie was garbage. I’d like to add that the director Eric Spade Rivas is a fucking hack and though his directing and writing were limited (mostly shorts) before this movie, there’s no way he should’ve worked on this without actually getting more feature length movies under his belt. The direction is all over the freaking place and it feels more conflicted than than an episode of Iron Chef. There was no chemistry between the director or the actors. The pace was non-existent with little to no transition.

The narration was just awful. Things were happening with no context, situations dropped on the viewers to just decipher it however they could, no buildup for characters or story. The editing was just a mess. Just jump cut after jump cut after jump cut seemingly unable to film a decent scene. The writing and dialogue are terrible. Things happen with nothing to support it. Characters have the weirdest conversations (and it doesn’t help that the delivery is piss poor). It even comes off as preachy and contrived. Then there are times where characters don’t say anything for extended periods of time and the camera keeps showing the same scene repeatedly of them not saying anything. Even the tone lacks definition. Is this a horror movie? A comedy? Dark comedy? Drama? Like where are we, in the fucking Twilight Zone. (1 out of 5)

In the end, Vamp Bikers is probably one of the absolute worst piles of dogshit to ever rear itself out of a canine’s derriere. There’s nothing about this movie that’s redeemable with nearly every aspect of it just ruined. It’s like the writing was done, it went through the shredder, then the pile was thrown on the desk and told to make a movie. I will never watch this movie again nor do I recommend it. It’s garbage through and through with no apparent audience, not even the B-movie fans will find entertainment. Vamp Bikers deserves 1 out of 5. Even I gave a rating lower than this it would be in the negatives.